Madden 11 Ratings: Buffalo Bills

It’s official. Our best player is Brian Moorman.

We’ve all been saying it for years, but the evaluatory (yup, I’m going to rule it a word) geniuses at EA Sports have confirmed it: Brian Moorman, our beloved punter, is the highest rated player for the Buffalo Bills in Madden 11. Don’t believe it? Check out the proof right here that he’s the only Bills player to eclipse 90. Actually, he’s exactly a 90. I don’t know if that counts as eclipsing 90, but I’m going to wait for our nerdiest readers to tell me otherwise.

Madden and it’s prophesying (actually a real word) doesn’t stop answering the questions there. You might find yourself asking, “which of our three quality running backs should be starting?” Is it the one we drafted in the first round of 2007 and eclipsed (unlike Moorman’s 90, I’m sure this counts as ‘eclipsing’) 1,000 yards his first two seasons, but failed to eclipse (again, sure) even half that last year; Or is it the man who seemed to dwarf the former last year in talent, while doing so with 100% less drama; Or is it the man we drafted 9th overall this year despite the existence of the other two?

Tough question. Unfortunately, also one that I wish didn’t need to be so complicated. Happily, Madden sets us straight. Behind Door 1, Marshawn Lynch. Madden 11 rating? 81. Behind Door 2 is the understated Fred Jackson with a rating of 83. And the final door holds rookie C.J. Spiller waiting in the wings at 79. Advantage Jackson for the starting spot. See, that wasn’t so hard. Helps to have so many to choose from! (Read: digital sarcasm laid on like BBQ sauce to a rack of ribs while tailgating the first game in January at the Ralph.)

"Other questions answered by Madden 11:Q: Will the offensive line be any better this year?A: No. The average rating for our five best offensive linemen is 76.2. For perspective, the Patriots offensive line has an average of 86.8, the Dolphins 84.2, and the Jets 88.Q: Okay, but how about the defensive line?A: Just be happy the average in this case is derived using only 3 numbers instead of 4, with the move to the new 3-4 defensive scheme.Q: Super. So who are our highest rated players?A: Beyond Moorman, it’s Byrd, FS (87), Posluszny, MLB (86), Evans, WR (84), and McGee, CB (83)."

And finally, we move on to the really exciting (think: aforementioned BBQ metaphor) question. Who should emerge as the starting quarterback? YOUR ADVANCE WARNING: Don’t read any further if you put any stake in the Madden ratings and don’t have one of those little bags you find in the back seat of an airplane within your immediate reach.

I even gave you a second chance to stop reading here. Consider this your final warning.

Okay. You really wanted to know, so here it goes: Edwards – 70. Fitzpatrick – 70. And the dark-horse savior, Brohm – 65. Ugh, Yuck, and some significantly more guttural noise I can’t find a way to type out. The trick answer to this question, who should be throwing the ball for the Bills this season … ?

Brian Moorman.

Look on the bright side Bills fans, at least we won’t have to worry about Madden’s curse of the cover anytime soon.