Bills Overhaul Medical Staff After Lawson Gaffe (Satire)
By Dennis Moody
Bills Overhaul Medical Staff After Lawson Gaffe
***This piece is satire. Proceed at your own will.
The Buffalo Bills made a complete overhaul of their medical staff today due to various concerns with the way the prior staff performed. The previous staff thought that you were supposed to draft players with health concerns (Shaq Lawson (shoulder), Reggie Ragland (heart), Jonathan Williams (foot) and Kolby Listenbee (sports hernia) rather than avoid them.
When asked why they drafted so many players with health concerns the Bills head of medical staff Dr. Seuss said “Rex told us that he wanted to build up the roster. We figured the more players we could put directly on IR, the more players we could carry with us into the season.”
The Bills will bring in many experts to revamp their medical staff. They have already signed Dr. Oz to be the head of their staff and they are currently talking to many of the members of Grey’s Anatomy to fill out the remaining roles on the medical team.
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In addition to the previous roles on the medical staff, the Bills added a head therapist for fans who are currently trying to throw themselves over Niagara Falls by the dozen after hearing the news of Sammy Watkins and Shaq Lawson’s injuries the other day. You may have heard of him before. His name is Dr. Phil.
When asked about his new role Dr. Phil said: “I’m excited to bring all the knowledge and expertise I learned by being on a trashy daytime TV show as a non-medical doctor to the Buffalo Bills organization in order to help the fans cope with the psychological issues that can arise from being a Bills fan.”
The team also noted that Dr. Phil would be available for any fans still struggling to understand and cope with their 16-year playoff drought. This may seem like a drastic move by an organization that is desperate to get healthy, but the Bills have brought in some of the top medical professionals on daytime television. How could that possibly go wrong?