Bills/Bad News Bears: A side by side comparison
By author
I’ve heard enough “witty” media members refer to Buffalo as the ‘Bad News Bills’ that I thought it deserved a closer look. Is the moniker just? Let’s take a look and find out.
Bad News Bear:
Morris Buttermaker: Coach of the Bears, a drunken, loud ex player and part time pool cleaner.
Bill Counterpart:
Buddy Nix: I have no reason to believe that Mr. Nix is a drunk, loud, or cleans pools part time…I just like to picture him that way.
Bad News Bear:
Kelly Leak: Local troublemaker who smokes and rides a Harley Davidson. The best athlete in the neighborhood.
Bill Counterpart:
Brian Moorman: Little known fact about Moorman; after going undrafted in 1999, he showed up to the Seattle Seahawks practice facility on a moped and proceeded to do donuts on the field. He then snatched a football from Jon Kitna and booted it into Puget Sound. Mike Holmgren promptly signed him. The rest is history.
Bad News Bear:
Timmy Lupus: A “booger-eating spaz;” considered to be the worst player on the team. He is the most quiet and shy player, but showed the odd ability to properly prepare a martini for Coach Buttermaker while the team was assisting the coach with pool cleaning.
Bill Counterpart:
Aaron Maybin: They’ve got to get some production out of him somehow, and according to Buddy, the guy makes a mean mint julep.
Bad News Bear:
Tanner Boyle: Short-tempered shortstop with a Napoleon complex; after suffering a horrible loss in their first game, he picks a fight with the entire seventh grade from his school (and loses). He tends to curse more than the others, and often insults and bullies Timmy.
Bill Counterpart:
Donte Whitner: See this quote from last season: “The Packers were laughing at us,” Whitner said. “Aaron Rodgers and a lot of those guys were laughing at us toward the end of the football game.” Think he didn’t smack Maybin around like a battered woman in the locker room after that game?
Bad News Bear:
Toby Whitewood: An unassuming boy who plays first base. He knows about the other players’ personalities and at times speaks for the team.
Bills Counterpart:
Corey McIntyre: The unassuming ones are always the guys to look out for. Once you think you’ve got them pegged, they pop up outside an old lady’s window in Florida whackin’ it.
Bad News Bear:
Rudy Stein: Nervous relief pitcher with glasses who is a terrible hitter; often asked by Coach Buttermaker to purposely get hit by pitches so he won’t try to swing.
Bill Counterpart:
Leodis McKelvin: At the Bill’s practice facility they have an invisible electric dog fence set up around the end zone, and is activated when McKelvin fields “end of game scenario” kick offs. What’s that? They don’t? Well, they fucking should. This guy makes worse decisions than Antonio Cromartie in the bedroom.
Bad News Bear:
Alfred Olgilvie: A bookworm who memorizes baseball statistics. He’s mostly a benchwarmer who assists the coach with defensive strategy.
Bills Counterpart:
John McCargo: The guy’s a defensive strategy wiz who memorizes statistics. I mean, that’s the only reason to trade up in the FIRST round to grab the THIRD defensive lineman from NC State…right? RIGHT!? (I’m still having trouble coping with that one).
Alright, so maybe there’s some similarities.